Where Boobs Go

I am contemplating deleting my Myspace profile, since most of the people I used it to keep up with are now on Facebook. I do want to save some of my old blog posts, however. Here is one of my favorites, originally published April 28, 2007.

An open letter to clothing designers:

Hi. You may not know me, but I am a sometime fan of your work. I am writing to you today to make you aware of a serious problem in, I don't know, maybe your judgement or your bizarre misanthropic/cubist view of the human form. Or rather, the female form. I've noticed in my many years as a clothing consumer that scores of you seem confused as to a certain aspect of the female body--specifically, the placement of womens' breasts.

For many years after the '80's, clothes that I may have wanted to wear had a certain two-dimensional quality that I like to call the No Boob look, which I have illustrated here:


For quite a time clothes seemed to have a not just flat-chested interpretation of females, but an almost inverted-chest interpretation, if that's possible. I haven't seen this nature-defying look for some time, and I'm glad for it.

Apparently someone told you motherfuckers that chicks have tits. Yay for us chicks! Problem is, they stopped just short of telling you where said tits are placed on a torso. I've tried on shitloads of clothes with troubling boob placement and have made a handy little guide here to show you just exactly where boobs don't belong on a body.

The most popular boob-configuration I've noticed when trying on clothes is something I like to call the Victoria's Secret Effect. In essence, it's the result of men who are either gay or extremely young who have only seen breasts in Victoria's Secret ads for extreme push-up bras and think that boobs occur right in the middle of the breastbone, just below the neck--aka Neck Boobs--like this:


Another bafflingly trendy shape that I have seen a lot, especially on dresses at Target, is a pleated, ruched bust that flattens the boobs and makes them look square, thus the Square Boob look:


Still other items I tried on wanted to shove the girls high into my armpits, like so,


or, even more puzzling, above my armpits and far apart, heading for my shoulders, like this (notice how confused and unhappy they look):


It may be hard to believe given that there are so many above-the-ribcage looks such as Neck Boobs, Armpit Boobs, and Shoulder Boobs out there, but I have also found that the opposite exists--yes! Waist Boobs!


I can't draw a picture that shows you exactly where the ladies are placed on every lady, because we all vary, (hint: it's somewhere between Neck Boobs and Waist Boobs, and they ain't square, motherfucker). I can say, though, that you have no clue what you're doing and you maybe need to look at real, live women instead of Victoria's Secret or Anime or wherever it is that you're getting your ideas for breast shape and placement. Because we women, as consumers, are getting tired of tossing aside potential outfits whilst exclaiming, "Why don't these assholes know where boobs go?!?"

Good Day.