An Open Letter to Alcohol

Looking back, I never thought it would come to this. However, I think it's time we parted ways. We used to have so much fun together: partying all day and all night, visiting strange after-parties, making out with random guys, annoying the neighbors, breaking laws, trying new drugs, throwing up, sleeping past noon, and all the other rock and roll things I can't think of right now.

But lately--how can I put this--you bore me. A few sips and I just think, "ugh, isn't there something better I could be doing?" Whereas I used to have nasty anxiety about all social interactions, and needed you to help me get through said interactions, I don't feel that way anymore. I still have anxiety, but now you make it worse. I find social hour more enjoyable with zero drinks than I do after having one or two drinks--any more than that and I'm a lost cause, puking in garbage cans and such. All of my current anxiety stems from the fear that others will remember the stupid things I've done whilst drinking. Eliminate the drinking, eliminate the anxiety.

You make me do stupid things such as: obtaining phone numbers for people I have crushes on and sending them obnoxious text messages; mistaking talking for making out and then telling other people about my mistaken perception that so-and-so and so-and-so were making out when they absolutely were not; allowing my friend's stupid "ex" boyfriend to ask me condescending questions such as "But what do you REALLY want to do with your life? But no, what do you REALLY want to do?" and "But what kind of guy DO you like? I mean, what kinds of things do you look for in a guy?" and not punching him; being nice to whiny guys who try to kiss me and then whine at me "but you're beautiful!" when I tell them I'm in love with someone else; allowing married ex-coworkers into my house who are totally disrespectful of my stuff and then hit on me in the most vulgar way imaginable; sleep repeatedly with sleazebags; take twelve years to finish my Bachelor's Degree; act like an idiot or a jerk so as to make me wake up regretting everything I've done the night before and find it miraculous that I still have friends; and let's not forget all the time I've wasted being hung over and the weight I've gained.

That's not to say we didn't have our good times: I made a lot of friends drinking; I danced a lot; you helped me to get laid; and I have memories and stories to last me for many years. But lately all you give me are vague feelings of annoyance and aggression, headache, nausea, and horrific hangovers. And sometimes you just make me sleepy.

You do little to alleviate my existential boredom.

And these are the reasons why we must part ways, Alcohol.

Thank you and fuck you.