The Story of Mr. Black

Stop awhile, and let me relate to you the story of Aubrey Black.

It was a cold Saturday night, and Noel was in town on a rare appearance from Moscow. We had stuffed ourselves with sushi at Zutto and dessert at Le Café, where we ogled and disagreed on the sexiness of our waiter, Guillaume. I thought he had sexy arms, but the unibrow was a turnoff. My old landlord, Terra, had admitted to me, during many forced conversations, that she wanted Guillaume to paint the interior of her house naked.
After the Café, we ventured to the Neurolux, where Noel, Haley, and I encountered a really shitty band of 15-year-olds playing what sounded like pots and pans. At the end of the evening, we and our other friends decided to walk to Taylor’s house for his birthday party.
Taylor’s house was about 25 blocks away, and a stranger asked to join us, as he’d been invited to the party by a friend of his who was already at the party house. He told us he was from Coeur d’Alene and hoped that he would hook up with his friend, Nick Bock, so that he wouldn’t have to sleep under a bridge that night. My friends, who didn’t understand that outsiders could tell jokes convincingly, decided that this stranger was too random for them. One of them decided, in fact, to call him “Random Dude.”
Random Dude, as they called him, told me his name was Aubrey Black. He and I had an interesting conversation as we made our way to Taylor’s house. He told me about how he couldn’t get any healthcare through his job, but that he was glad his little daughter qualified for Medicare, or else he’d be fucked. He told me about how having a child brings all kinds of guilt you’d never know otherwise.
On the way to the party, Haley decided she’d had enough of the walk and ran up to a house at the corner she thought the party was at and pounded on the door. Two teenagers came out, but informed her they didn’t know who the hell Taylor was or where the fuck he lived. Aubrey and I just rolled our eyes as Noel pulled Haley away from the teenagers’ house. As we were leaving that wrong house, Mr. Black tried to say something to Haley, but she just said, “Whatever, Random Dude!”
Once we finally got the party, we split up, Tyler and Stephanie disappearing while Noel, Drew, and I played the short version of Trivial Pursuit with Brian. Taylor was tripping on mushrooms in the corner, incapacitated. The other players forfeited the game when they saw that I was winning, with 4 pieces of pie to the next-runner-up, who had 1. Aubrey Black was leaving, and came over to say goodbye to me, “Look me up if you’re ever in Coeur d’Alene!”
“Whoa, is Random Dude leaving?” Haley asked. “Hey, Random Dude, hope there's a bridge available!” she yelled as he closed the door.
“His name is Aubrey!” I corrected her.
“Aubrey?! Isn’t that a girl’s name?” she laughed.
“He’s really nice!” I countered, but was drowned out by snotty comments by Noel, Tyler, and Stephanie: “Whatever, he was just trying to pick you up!”
“Yeah, he’s a dork!”
(sigh) “I’m getting bored. Let’s. Go.”
I would love to be able to tell you that Mr. Black exacted some kind of fitting revenge on these detractors, but of course that didn’t happen. Noel, Haley, Drew, and I shared a cab to Haley’s house, where I fended off doggy and kitty attacks on the living room futon before Noel joined me, tiring of Drew’s attempts to get into her jeans.
The next day, after Tyler, Noel, Haley, Stephanie, and I drank pitchers of Stella for seven hours, we saw Tayor at The Flicks, where he told us that some party guest had gotten into a screaming match with his next-door neighbor late the night before. We told him about Haley’s mistaken identity teenager encounter, but he didn’t have any knowledge of that. No, he said, his next-door neighbor came outside at about 4:30 to ask people in the front yard to be quiet, but someone had taken offense and threatened to beat him up.
“My next-door neighbor is pissed,” Taylor told us, “He left a nasty letter on my front door!”
“I bet it was Random Dude!” Haley laughed, as did Tyler, Noel, and Stephanie.